Open Your Eyes: Gravity Falls
by SteveAtwater
Summary: What do you do when your Grunkles get kidnapped? Do you steal a time machine? Make a deal with a dream demon? Attempt to straight blanch? No. You go out and get them back yourself. ESPECIALLY if the kidnapper is leaving you a trail of clues to follow. Takes place post-canon. Originally written as a gift for Dm4487.
1. Calling Out the Dogs

Thanks for clicking on my story. I hope you enjoy it.

This was originally posted on Archive of Our Own as "Open Your Eyes," a four-show crossover. The other three shows are _Uncle Grandpa_ , _Kim Possible_ , and _Detentionaire_. Because this site doesn't allow crossovers between more than two shows and I didn't want to post under Cartoon X-Overs, I decided to do something different.

Since in the original story the shows kept to themselves until the end, with chapters alternating between the sets of characters that were followed, I decided to post "Open Your Eyes" as five different fics: one for each show and then a finale posted as simply "Open Your Eyes" under Cartoon X-Overs. The other fics are posted as "Open Your Eyes: Uncle Grandpa", "Open Your Eyes: Kim Possible", and "Open Your Eyes: Detentionaire".

This idea was originally proposed by Dm4487 on Archive of Our Own in the comments for my other work "Total Drama: Cartoon Multiverse." I wrote this as a gift for him.

And now, storytime!

* * *

 **Mystery Shack  
Gravity Falls, Oregon  
10 months after Weirdmageddon**

"MYSTERY SHACK!" Mabel yelled, bursting in through the front door of the tourist trap. She laughed as she took everything in before turning to the man behind the counter.

"SOOS!" Mabel yelled, and ran over to wrap him in a hug.

"Hey hey, Mabel!" Soos said happily, hugging her back. "Dude!" he exclaimed as Dipper walked through the door, much calmer than his sister.

"Hey, Soos, good to see you again," Dipper said. "Uh, where's Wendy?" he asked, pretending it was an afterthought.

"Oh, she's on a reality show. In Canada!" Soos said.

"It's so good to be back!" Mabel exclaimed. "Where's Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford? I have so much to tell them, and I made them special sweaters!"

"Oh, they've been gone for about a week now," Soos said. "Something about a 'dimensional anomaly.' I dunno, they just left me in charge of the Mystery Shack and ran off."

Dipper and Mabel's faces fell.

"Hey, c'mon now, I'm sure they'll be back to see you! They love you guys!" Soos said. "Tell you what, let's go to Greasy's. Lunch is on me."

* * *

 **Greasy's Diner  
Gravity Falls, Oregon**

Soos parked his truck outside the diner. As he pulled the keys out of the ignition, the twins opened the doors and hopped out. He followed the twins into the diner, which was mostly deserted at two in the afternoon; the only other customers were Toby Determined and Tad Strange.

"Oh, the twins are back!" Lazy Susan said. "Everybody, the twins are back!"

"Welcome back to Gravity Falls," Tad said. "It's nice to see you two again."

"Toby Determined, reporter for the Gravity Falls Gossiper," Toby said, coming over to them. "Is it true you two are in town to solve more supernatural mysteries?"

Dipper looked at the turkey baster being held out to him. "You do realize that's not a microphone, right?" he said.

"I know," Toby said pitifully.

"Well, to answer your question, Toby," Mabel said cheerfully, "yes, we are here to solve mysteries, if mysteries need solving, and to spread joy and glitter. So much glitter!"

"Um, Mabel?" Dipper said.

"Not now, Dipper!" Mabel said. "I'm telling Toby what we're going to do this summer!"

"But we don't even know what we're going to do!" Dipper hissed. "And besides, Soos got us a booth."

Mabel looked over to Soos, who was indeed sitting in a booth. Soos waved to her.

"Fine," Mabel said. "Bye, Toby, we're gonna eat lunch now!"

Mabel and Dipper walked over to Soos and sat down across from him. They picked up their menus. Dipper smiled as he scanned his.

"Same old menu," he muttered to himself. "I guess some things don't really change."

"So what'll it be?" a familiar voice asked.

Dipper looked up and froze. His sister did not.

"Pacifica!" she said happily, quickly climbing over Dipper and out of the booth. She pulled Pacifica into a tight hug. "How have you been! It's so nice to see you again!"

"Can't...breathe..." Pacifica choked out.

"Oh, I'm so glad you're here! Wait, why are you here?" Mabel asked. She released Pacifica. Pacifica put her hands on her knees and panted for breath.

"Mabel, that's a bit personal..." Dipper warned.

"Oh, c'mon, why wouldn't Pacifica be glad to see us?" Mabel asked. "I thought we were becoming friends."

"During the Never-Mind-All-That?" Soos suggested.

"Yeah!" Mabel said. "Of course she's glad to see us!"

Pacifica straightened herself up.

"So, what'll it be?" she asked them.

"Pacifica!" Mabel said, shocked. "Why are you taking our order? Do you work here?"

Pacifica scowled. "Are you going to order, or what?"

"Pancakes," Dipper said.

"Double cheeseburger with mayo," Soos said. "Oh! And fries."

"But Pacifica, why do you work here?" Mabel asked.

Pacifica's scowl deepened.

"Mabel, I think this is a touchy subject!" Dipper said quietly. Mabel's eyes widened as she caught on.

"You want to know?" Pacifica asked bitterly.

"Um, yes?" Mabel said nervously.

"After my dad invested all his money in weirdness bonds, we ended up broke. We sold the mansion, ended up in a house in town, and because he's used to the finer things in life, we burned through the rest of the money in months. Now Mom's an Avon lady, Dad's a temp worker doing data entry, and I have to find work where I can get it. So are you going to order anything?"

"...I'll just have the soup," Mabel said quietly.

Pacifica jotted her order down. "Your orders will be up in a bit," she said, and walked away from the booth. Mabel stared at the table sadly.

"Aw, come on dude, it's not that bad," Soos said. "Remember how she used to pick on you?"

Mabel sighed. "It's just sad, that's all."

Suddenly, the door to the diner burst open, and Fiddleford McGucket burst in with a laptop in his hands. He ran up to Mabel, Dipper, and Soos.

"Help!" he yelled at them. "Strange visitors from another dimension, I done seen 'em! On this here computer! They wants to talk to you!"

McGucket thrust the laptop at them. A strange-looking old man stared out at them.

"Oh, hey!" he said happily. "I've been looking for you!"

Dipper and Mabel looked around warily. The man on the screen laughed.

"Don't worry! Not like that. Well, kind of like that. But I've been watching you, and–"

"Bill," Dipper breathed. Mabel nodded.

"No! No!" the man hastily backtracked. "My name's not Bill at all! My name is–"

"Don't say it!" a high-pitched voice said loudly.

"Oh, right," the man said. "Thanks–"

"Don't tell them my name!" the high-pitched voice interjected.

"Fine," the old man said. "So, you're probably wondering why I called you."

"Because you're from another dimension!" Fiddleford said frantically. "I may be an old coot, but I recognize an extradimensional being when I see one!"

"No!" the old man denied. "No, I called because I kidnapped your grunkles."

Everyone gasped.

"Give us back our Grunkles!" Mabel yelled.

"Okay, sure! How can I say no?" the man on the laptop screen said cheerfully.

"No!" the high-pitched voice said. "We have to do this, remember?"

"Oh yeah, right," the old man said.

"Wait, who said that?" Dipper asked.

"That was–" the man started to say.

"Don't tell them!" the voice exclaimed.

"No, tell us," Soos said affably. "We won't tell anyone else."

"No!" the high-pitched voice said. "Look, just do what we say, and nobody gets hurt."

"And if we don't?" Mabel suggested.

"Nobody gets hurt!" the man proclaimed happily. "Well, probably."

"That isn't much comfort," Dipper said.

"Oh, sorry," the old man said. "Would it help if I told you they're okay?"

"Not really," Soos said. "Like, why should we trust you?"

"You don't trust me?" the man asked. Tears welled up in his eyes. "But, but I'm–"

" _But_ , you're a kidnapper," his high-pitched assistant pointed out. "Now give them their instructions!"

"How do you know we'll do whatever you say?" Mabel asked.

"Because you love your grunkles," the high-pitched voice said.

"Fine. We'll do it," Dipper said. "But only if you promise us we'll get our Grunkles back."

"Sure, no problem," the old man said. He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "But there have to be four of you."

Suddenly, a voice called to him from offscreen.

"Hold on, gotta talk to somebody else. Be right back!" the man said.

The camera continued to broadcast as the man left. He came back about a minute later.

"Okay, four of you and a pet. If you have a pet," the man said.

"Waddles!" Mabel exclaimed.

"Yeah sure whatever kid," the old man said.

"Where will we get a fourth person?" Dipper mused.

"Cloning!" Soos suggested excitedly.

"Yeah, no, already tried that," Dipper said. He shivered.

"Listen, I'll call you back in an hour with details. You can get your team together, and then start the adventure!" the old man proclaimed happily.

* * *

 **Greasy's Diner  
Gravity Falls, Oregon**

Dipper picked at his pancakes. He had barely eaten half of his first one, and Mabel hadn't even touched her soup. Soos had finished his cheeseburger several minutes ago and was now staring at the two thirteen-year-olds uncomfortably.

"So, like, are you going to finish that?" he finally asked.

Dipper slid his plate over to Soos, rested his head on his arm, and traced designs on the dirty table with his finger.

"It just doesn't make sense," he said to himself. "How did Ford and Stan get kidnapped? And why would we be enlisted to find them? None of this adds up!"

"I don't think that's important, Dipper," Mabel said sadly. "I think we have to find them."

"But where do we even start!" Dipper said loudly. "We've got no leads! No clues! No idea what we're doing! Nowhere to start!"

"You could start by finding a fourth member of the team," Soos suggested. "I mean, that's what the guy said to do, right?"

Dipper went back to running his finger over the table. Mabel stared at her soup sadly. Soos chowed down on Dipper's pancakes quietly.

"You want the check?"

The trio looked up. Pacifica was waiting by the table impatiently.

Dipper grinned as he got an idea.

"Hey, Pacifica, wanna go on an adventure?"


	2. Get Away

**Greasy's Diner  
** **Gravity Falls, Oregon**

"I'm sorry, what?"

Pacifica stared at Dipper as if he'd just grown an extra head.

"I said, do you want to go on an adventure," Dipper said. He tried not to sound as desperate as he felt. "You know, since you're not doing much here."

"Um, ex _cuse_ me?" Pacifica said, offended. "I've got plenty going on!"

"Like what?" Mabel prompted innocently.

Pacifica huffed. "Like, uh, well anyway my parents won't let me go! And, and I have to work here."

"You sure?" Dipper asked. "Because we'd really like it if you came with us."

"Well I can't," Pacifica said stubbornly. She looked away from them. "Although I'd like to."

"Really?" Mabel asked enthusiastically.

Pacifica didn't respond.

"HEY SUSAN!" Mabel yelled. "CAN PACIFICA COME WITH US ON AN ADVENTURE?"

"Sure, whatever!" the waitress called back.

"It's all set!" Mabel said happily. "You're coming with us on an adventure."

Pacifica's eyes widened. "Wait a minute, I didn't mean–"

"Oh, this is going to be so much fun!" Mabel said happily. She grabbed Pacifica by the shoulders and led her away. "We're gonna rescue our Grunkles, and you're gonna come with us, and we're gonna be best friends, I'll make sure of it!"

Pacifica was unable to say anything as Mabel dragged her away. Dipper and Soos looked at each other, shrugged, and followed the two girls out of the restaurant.

* * *

 **Mystery Shack  
** **Gravity Falls, Oregon**

Mabel bounced around the Mystery Shack, grabbing anything and everything that she thought would help. Candy, stickers, sweaters, yarn, an extra grappling hook, a snow globe; she took whatever she thought would come in handy.

Dipper was exactly the opposite, carefully studying everything to make sure it would be useful. In the end, he picked up a bunch of trail mix, some bottles of water, two of Ford's journals, and a raincoat.

Pacifica, meanwhile, lounged against a wall. She stared at the ground and pretended to be completely uninterested in everything that was going on around her. Her nonchalant attitude was the same one she had displayed so many times before when she'd had to wordlessly convey to the common rabble of Gravity Falls that she was indeed above them all.

"You want some onion rings?"

Pacifica's head jolted up. She looked at Soos.

"What?" she asked.

"Well, not onion rings, really," Soos said. "They're kind of like onion rings, but, y'know, they come in plastic bags and aren't really made of onions. And they're not hot." He held his bag of junk food out to her.

"Uh, no," Pacifica said.

"You sure?" Soos asked.

Pacifica's stomach growled.

"Alright, fine," Pacifica groused, rolling her eyes. She reached into the bag and pulled out a few rings.

"Yeah, they're not my favorite, but Melody likes them," Soos said affably. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "Wait! I gotta call Melody!"

Soos dropped the bag on the counter and ran off to the Mystery Shack's pay phone. Pacifica looked around, and upon seeing that neither of the Pines twins were paying attention to her, began eating the imitation onion rings ravenously.

* * *

 **Mystery Shack  
** **Gravity Falls, Oregon**

Soos got back from the pay phone about five minutes later.

"Alright everybody, gather around!" he announced. Dipper focused on him. Mabel stopped in the middle of applying glitter to Gompers. Pacifica looked at him and stopped eating junk food.

"That's everybody?" Soos asked to make sure. Waddles ran into the room, squealing, and sat down at Mabel's feet.

"Okay dudes. Melody will be coming back from her parents' tonight," he told the group. "She knows what's up, and she's willing to help however she can. It's been about an hour. We should be getting a call soon. Any questions?"

Mabel raised her hand.

"Go ahead, Mabes," Soos said.

"Will our Grunkles be okay?" she asked.

"Uh, gee, I dunno," Soos said, scratching the back of his head. "I, uh, any other questions?"

"What's this even about, anyway?" Pacifica asked. "First you drag me away from work to have an adventure, and now you're talking about having somebody else run the Mystery Shack and missing grunkles? What's a grunkle, and why are we finding one, and why am I involved?"

"Um, okay," Soos said. He exhaled heavily. "Hmm. Well, gr–"

The pay phone rang. Everybody's eyes shot toward it.

They stared at it as it continued to ring.

Pacifica rolled her eyes, walked over to the phone, and answered.

"Who is this?" she asked curtly.

"Why, it's your–" a voice on the other end started to say.

"No!" a high-pitched voice in the background said. "Stick to the script!"

"Oh, right," the voice said. "If you want to get your Grunkles back, you'll have to go to Boise, Idaho. All will be revealed there. Wait, Boise? I love that place! It's so cool how they grow blue grass there!"

"It's actually turf," the high-pitched voice said.

"Well, once you get there, you'll have to solve the mystery of the secret cult in the foothills! Ooh, spooky!" the voice said.

The connection suddenly cut out. Pacifica turned back to the others.

"So, some weirdo called saying that if you want your grunkles you have to go to Boise and deal with some foothill cult," she told them. "Does that make any sense to you?"

Dipper stroked his chin. "Not really," he finally conceded. "But more importantly, how are we going to get to Idaho?"

"We can take my truck, dudes," Soos said. "Road trip!"


	3. Beautiful and Remote

**Mystery Shack  
Gravity Falls, Oregon**

"Shotgun called it!" Mabel said loudly as she ran out of the Mystery Shack. Soos was the next one out.

"Wait for me, dude!" he said, clambering into the front seat.

Dipper and Pacifica slowly made their way to the truck and climbed into the back. Before Dipper could shut the door, Waddles rushed into the truck and took a set between Dipper and Pacifica.

"Waddles!" Mabel said happily. "Oh, I can't believe we almost forgot about you!"

"Ew," Pacifica said. "Do we really have to bring the pig?"

"Of course!" Mabel said, chipper. "Waddles is one of the family!"

"Oh, come on, I have some standards!" Pacifica complained. "I'm not sitting next to a dirty pig!"

"Waddles isn't dirty! He's a very clean pig!" Mabel said angrily.

Dipper sighed. "Look, I'll just keep Waddles on my lap, okay?" he said, pulling Waddles into his lap. "That way, Pacifica doesn't have to touch Waddles if she doesn't want to but he can still come with us."

Both girls grunted and faced away from each other.

"Okay, dudes," Soos said. "It'll take us about five hours to get there. You three might want to get some sleep. You know, just in case."

Pacifica grumbled and continued to look out the window. Soos put the truck in gear and pulled out of the Gravity Falls parking lot.

Ten minutes later, the truck was purring down the highway, headed east, and Pacifica was fast asleep. As they drove, Dipper quit staring out the window and looked over at Pacifica. Her face, no longer alert and guarded, was weary. Dark bags were visible beneath her eyes, not quite concealed by her eyeliner. The last year had clearly been hard on her.

Dipper turned away and looked out the window again, losing himself in his thoughts. While he worried about his Grunkles and about what awaited them in Boise, the trees of central Oregon zoomed by on the highway. In the seat in front of him, Mabel also looked out at the trees. Somebody who knew Mabel and only saw her from behind might have assumed that she was entranced by nature or thinking about all the things she could do outside. They would never have guessed that Mabel was frowning as she stared out the window.

Silence descended upon the truck with the only sounds being the motor and the road slipping away beneath the tires. Dipper and Mabel stared out the window. Soos stared out the windshield, keeping his focus on the empty road ahead.

"So..." Soos eventually said. "Mabel, do you think we should repaint the truck?"

Mabel didn't respond.

"I was thinking, maybe use some glitter paint or something, make it really flash and sparkle and shine. Or like, put flames on the side, with a neon question mark, for the Mystery Shack. What do you think?"

Mabel didn't reply.

"C'mon, Mabel. What's going on?"

Mabel sighed and turned to Soos. "I'm really scared," she said quietly. "I mean, about our Grunkles."

"Oh," Soos said. He nodded. "Yeah, me too." A sad look settled on his face. "Me too."

The truck moved down the road in silence again.

* * *

 **I-84  
Boise, Idaho**

They arrived in Boise at around 8 o'clock. Soos pulled off the interstate a bit later.

"Okay, dudes," he said. "What now?"

Pacifica yawned and stretched as she woke up. She looked around and took a few seconds to remember where she was.

"Oh. Right," she said. "This adventure thing."

"I think we should get something to eat," Mabel said.

"I'm down for that," Soos said amiably.

"Wait. We should stop at the library and use the internet. See if there's anything about a foothill cult online," Dipper said.

"Also a good idea, also a good idea," Soos said, nodding. "Pacifica, what do you think?"

Pacifica stared back at him. "We should find somewhere to sleep."

"Another good suggestion!" Soos said. "Dude, you guys are on fire, it's like, boom. Okay. So, uh, what should we do first?"

Dipper pursed his lips. "I don't know how long the libraries stay open here. We should find one and see if we can figure things out first,"

"Dude, I get that, I really do," Soos said. "But I'm also kind of loving Mabel's food idea."

Mabel shook her head. "Actually, I'm with Dipper. The sooner we get our Grunkles back, the better."

"The library it is, dudes!" Soos said. "So, anybody know where one is?"

Everybody stood around awkwardly.

"That's okay, I'll see if I can get one on my GPS!"

* * *

 **Library! at Hillcrest  
Boise, Idaho**

"Great," Dipper said, scanning the closed and locked door to the library. "I forgot Idaho's on Mountain Time."

Behind him, Pacifica's stomach growled. Soos's stomach answered the sound with a growl of its own.

"Dinnertime, dudes," Soos said.

"Great, I'm starving!" Mabel said, chipper as ever.

"So what's still open at 9:30?" Dipper mused to himself.

Soos shrugged. "Dunno. We'll find something."

That was how the group found themselves in the drive-thru at Los Betos at 10 P.M. It had taken a lot of driving around, but eventually everyone had agreed to have Mexican for dinner.

"Everyone know what they want?" Soos asked.

"Chicken burrito," Dipper said quickly.

"I'll have the cheese enchiladas, and Waddles will have the veggie burrito!" Mabel declared confidently.

"And I'm getting the machaca plate," Soos said. "Pacifica, what do you want?"

Pacifica stared out the window, purposefully keeping her face blank.

"I'm not hungry," she said.

Her stomach immediately voiced its protest.

"C'mon, sure you are!" Soos said affably. "Seriously, what do you want?"

Pacifica scanned the menu. The board was filled with unfamiliar names and descriptions.

"...burrito," she eventually said.

"Okay, what kind?" Soos asked.

Pacifica shrugged.

"Carne asada, got it!" Soos said happily. He leaned over to whisper to Mabel. "When in doubt, always get the carne asada. Unless you don't like cows."

Mabel laughed. Soos pulled up to the order window.

"Hi, we'd like the machaca plate, a chicken burrito, a carne asada burrito, three enchiladas, and a veggie burrito for our pig," Soos said happily.

"Sure, whatever," the bored woman who took their order said. "That'll be...hold on a sec...uh...$35.99."

Soos handed over a pair of twenties and got his change back. He eyed the tip jar nervously.

"Your food'll be ready in a few minutes," the woman said, and shut the window.

Soos sat in the driver's seat silently. He scooched his butt around, trying to get comfortable, and began to sweat.

"Something wrong, Soos?" Mabel asked.

"Ah, geez, dudes," Soos said. "It's this tip jar. Like, I want to leave a tip, but like, I don't know how long our money is going to last. We could have to save up or something."

"Don't worry about it, Soos!" Mabel said. "Our parents gave us some emergency money!"

"This isn't quite an emergency, Mabel," Dipper said.

"Your Grunkles are missing and you dragged somebody you barely know into the situation just because you had to have four people," Pacifica said, surprising everybody. "I think this is an emergency."

"See?" Mabel said, sticking out her tongue.

"No, Mabel, I mean, leaving a tip probably isn't a life-or-death situation," Dipper said. "Especially since we're probably better off saving the money."

"Dipper's right," Soos decided. "We need to save our money."

Soos sat in the driver's seat, sweating heavily. A few minutes later, the waitress returned.

"Okay, here's your order," she said, heaving open the window. "Chicken burrito, veggie burrito, carne asada burrito, three cheese enchiladas, and a machaca plate. Have a nice day."

Soos reached out and gingerly took the bag. He paused.

"Here have a tip bye!" he said quickly, flinging four dollars and a penny into the restaurant and yanking the bag into the car. He peeled out of the drive-thru and onto the road.

"Soos!" Dipper said, shocked.

"Sorry dude, I had to!" Soos said. "They had a tip jar right there and everything, bro!"

"It's okay, Soos," Mabel said. "You did the right thing."

Dipper sighed. "Let's just find somewhere to spend the night."

* * *

 **8002 Overland Road  
Boise, Idaho**

The quartet took a room with two beds.

"Okay, since nobody packed a sleeping bag, except Dipper, I messed up dudes, we're all going to have to share," Soos said. "So. Mabel and Pacifica, you're going to have to share a bed."

"Sleepover!" Mabel cheered, hugging Pacifica tightly.

"And Dipper, I guess uh, um...yeah I'll just sleep on the floor," Soos said.

"No, that's okay, Soos," Dipper said. "I'll just, uh, I'll bunk down in my sleeping bag. It's too small for you anyway."

"Really?" Soos asked. "Thanks dude. So, Dipper, any info on the library?"

"It opens tomorrow at 10," Dipper said. "And according to the clock, it's now 11."

"Alright, let's all turn in, okay?" Soos said.

Pacifica turned the lights off.

"Thanks," he said.

Slowly, everyone in the room dropped off to sleep.

As Pacifica lay on the edge of the cheap bed, she couldn't help but think that it was much softer than the bed she had at home.


	4. Cold When I Awoke

**8002 Overland Road  
** **Boise, Idaho**

By 8 o'clock–7 by Oregon time–everyone in the hotel room was wide awake. Most of them had slept poorly due to the disappearance of the Grunkles. The only exceptions were Pacifica and Waddles, both of whom had fallen asleep quickly and slept soundly.

"Well, dudes, I guess we're all up," Soos finally ventured. Nobody answered him.

"So, Dipper, dude, when's the library open?" he asked.

"It opens at ten," Dipper said. "Which means we have about two hours."

"Okay, how about we get everything packed up and get ready to go?" Soos suggested.

"Shower, called it!" Dipper said quickly.

While Dipper dashed off to the bathroom, everyone else got up and started picking things up. Waddles snuffled under the bed and dragged out a pair of dirty underwear.

"Hey!" Mabel said, offended. "Whose is this?"

"Not mine, dude," Soos said quickly. He checked. "Yep. Totally not mine."

Dipper ran out of the bathroom. "Ew! Mold everywhere! Mold everywhere!"

"Is this _your_ underwear, Dip-dop?" Mabel asked.

"What? Ew! Gross! Where–where did you even find that?"

"Waddles found it under the bed," Mabel said disgustedly.

"Um, okay, dudes," Soos said. "How about we uh, we just get our stuff, and, go without touching anything else. Except the free breakfast."

"I'm with you," Dipper said. "I can't wait to forget all about this place." He shivered.

"I'm going to take a shower," Pacifica said. She stalked into the mold-filled bathroom and shut the door. The other three stared after her, shocked.

"Wow, what happened to her?" Mabel asked.

* * *

 **8002 Overland Road  
** **Boise, Idaho**

When the group returned to the room, Pacifica had finished her shower and was waiting for them in the same clothes she was wearing yesterday.

"Aw, Pacifica, do you want to share my clothes?" Mabel offered.

Pacifica looked at her and stuck up her chin. "Sure. I'd also love to cover myself in raw sewage."

"Great!" Mabel said cheerfully, tossing her a sweater.

"I was being sarcastic!" Pacifica complained.

"I know! Don't care!" Mabel said.

Pacifica scowled as Mabel put a sweater with a picture of a pug saying "You're _Pugging_ Me" on her. Soos sidled up to her with a bowl of cereal and a carton of milk.

"So uh, we brought you some breakfast," Soos ventured. "You know, since you were showering."

"Thanks," Pacifica said flatly.

While Pacifica ate, everyone else checked around the room to see if they'd left anything behind. By the time she'd finished her bowl of cereal, the room had been checked closely–too closely, in fact, as it turned up rips in the wallpaper and several spider corpses under a bed.

The group checked out and headed for the library.

* * *

 **West Overland Road  
Boise, Idaho**

"So, what'd you find out, bro-bro?" Mabel asked.

"Not much," Dipper said. "Just that there was apparently a cult of Satanists in the northeastern foothills in the 80s."

"To the foothills!" Soos declared enthusiastically.

"Wait, Satanists?" Pacifica asked. "Are you serious?"

"Yep!" Dipper said proudly. "According to the internet...although there weren't many details...but get this, they all disappeared sometime in 1983!"

"So we're going after people who worship Satan in the hopes that this will somehow get your creepy uncles back?" Pacifica asked.

"Grunkles!" Mabel said enthusiastically.

"That's right, bros," Soos said. "To the foothills it is!"

He gunned the motor and pushed the truck onward.

* * *

 **Northeastern Foothills outside Boise, Idaho**

The foothills were abandoned. The only signs of civilization were a beat-up truck and the dome of some abandoned church. The sign in front of the church read "Church of S_nists."

Mabel Pines hopped out of the truck and looked at the dome. She was followed by Dipper, Soos, and Pacifica.

"Well, I guess this is it," Dipper said.

Soos chuckled nervously. "Kinda creepy, huh guys?"

The group stood there silently.

"Well, are we going in or what?" Pacifica asked.

"I'm with you, sister!" Mabel said enthusiastically. "Let's go get our Grunkles back!"

Nobody moved. Soos sighed.

"Okay guys, it's Soos time."

Soos started walking towards the dome. After a few seconds, the rest of the group followed him. He pushed the door open, and the quartet entered. Inside, the space was empty of everything but mildew and dust.

"...there's nothing here," Mabel said sadly.

Dipper sighed. "Well, this was a waste of time."

"Yeah, thanks for that," Pacifica said.

Suddenly, the floor collapsed beneath them.


	5. Kulaks and Wreckers

**Underground  
Northeastern Foothills outside Boise, Idaho**

"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need! Correct, comrade?" a voice boomed.

Dipper blinked. "What?"

The group looked up. Everyone but Pacifica gasped.

"Tell me this, should the tanks have been sent into Hungary, comrades?" the man standing in front of them asked.

"Hey, I remember you!" Mabel said. "You're Toot-Toot McBumbersnazzle, traveling banjo minstrel!"

Toot-Toot frowned. "That was my old name, before I realized leading a cult was more my style."

"A cult?" Dipper asked, surprised.

"Yes, my dear child," Toot-Toot said. "Welcome to the Church of Stalinism!"

"Wait," Soos said. "How'd you become a cult leader, anyway?"

"That's an interesting story," Toot-Toot said. "Would you like to hear it?"

"Uh, sure," Dipper said.

"Very well. Seize them!" Toot-Toot commanded. Stalinists stepped out of the shadows behind them and grabbed the group by their arms.

"Hey!" Dipper and Mabel complained.

"Oh, hey yourself!" Toot-Toot said. "I'm not a fool, you know. It's clear you were all planning to distract me and that you weren't planning to listen to my story at all. But, since you asked..."

Pacifica groaned.

"Quiet!" Toot-Toot said. "Now, I was wandering around Idaho, banjo minstrelling, when I stumbled into this dome and upon these Stalinists who were looking for a leader. Being an accommodating fellow, I decided to take on the role. They swiftly accepted me as one of their own, and now we work to ensure the supremacy of the Soviet Union!"

"The S–really?" Dipper asked. "The Soviet Union. You just stumbled down here, into a huge group of cultists, looking to work with the Soviet Union."

"Yes!" Toot-Toot declared. "Together, we will ensure that the correct side triumphs in this so-called Cold War! We have been waiting since 1983, when nuclear destruction was imminent, and we only wait until we are signaled that we have indeed won!"

Dipper shut his eyes tightly. "Okay, you do realize that–"

"Enough questions!" Toot-Toot declared. "Take them away!"

The Stalinists began dragging the quartet off. They wriggled to get free, but none of them was successful.

Until Pacifica shook her left arm loose and slammed her elbow into the captor's stomach. The cultist collapsed, and as Pacifica's shoes gained purchase she swung around and drove a left hook into the hooded face of her other captor. Now free of both Stalinists, Pacifica ran forward and grabbed a large, gold-colored sledgehammer lying on the floor.

"Hey, be careful with that!" Toot-Toot warned. "That's a sacred object!"

Pacifica raised the sledgehammer, spun around, and slammed it down on the foot of an approaching Stalinist. The Stalinist yelped and fell into another Stalinist as Pacifica spun around and kneecapped another cultist. The momentum of her swing caused her to topple over, and she fell backwards, hammer extended over her head.

It landed on Toot-Toot McBumbersnazzle's foot.

The cult leader screamed and instinctively lifted his foot. The force of his kick sent the sledgehammer flying, and it tumbled end-over-end through the air until it came down directly on the head of one of the cultists holding Dipper captive. The cultist collapsed, out cold, and Dipper shook free from his other captor. He picked up the sledgehammer just as another Stalinist dove for it. Dipper stopped and hit the man over the head with the sledgehammer, knocking him out cold, before leaping over the man and bringing the sledgehammer down onto the feet of the cultists holding onto his sister. The cultists yelped and dropped her, and Soos's captors let go of him and put their dukes up. Soos, Mabel, and Dipper backed towards each other, forming a circle and getting ready for a final stand.

"Not. So. Fast."

Toot-Toot's voice cut through the chaos like a knife. The trio looked at him, and their eyes widened. He had grabbed Pacifica and was holding her tightly by the shoulders.

"Now then," Toot-Toot said. "I believe it's time we all act civilized. Drop the hammer, and nobody gets hurt."

The Stalinists stopped approaching, waiting to see what they would do. Dipper, Mabel, and Soos all looked at each other, worried. Toot-Toot grinned widely, certain he had won. Pacifica rolled her eyes.

And then slammed her heel directly onto Toot-Toot McBumbersnazzle's injured foot.

The cult leader screamed in pain and let go of Pacifica. Pacifica stumbled forward and joined the others. Toot-Toot grimaced as he reached over and grabbed a golden sickle off of the floor.

"That. Is. Enough," he said, furious. "I don't care what you came down here for, you do not get to make a fool out of Toot-Toot McBumbersnazzle!"

Mabel and Soos giggled.

"Oh HA HA!" Toot-Toot yelled. "Very funny, yes, make fun of the former traveling banjo minstrel with the unfortunate name! Well no more! My name is a source of strength, and I will be duly rewarded when the Soviet Union buries you capitalist pigs beneath the will of the collective!"

"Dude, the Soviet Union collapsed, like, twenty-five years ago," Soos said.

Toot-Toot looked at them contemptuously. "Your bourgeois lies won't save you. You, and your country, will fall. NOW."

Toot-Toot raised his sickle and started walking towards them. A determined look crossed Soos's face.

"Dipper. Give me the hammer," he said.

Dipper looked at Soos, surprised, but decided not to argue. He handed over the sledgehammer, and Soos walked towards Toot-Toot.

"I am Soos Ramerez, Handyman of the Apocalypse, and I'm taking you down! I don't care if you found a new cult, we defeated you once, and we'll defeat you again!"

Toot-Toot looked confused. "A new cult? You defeated me? What?"

"Oh, right," Soos said awkwardly. "We kinda wiped your mind."

Toot-Toot scowled. "Fall, capitalist swine!"

Toot-Toot swung his sickle at Soos. Soos ducked and stuck the sledgehammer up. The weapons clashed, with the sickle hooking onto the sledgehammer. Toot-Toot grinned viciously.

"Face it, you abhorrent tool of plutocracy!" Toot-Toot declared. He yanked at the ensnared weapons. "Your lack of class consciousness may have served your masters well, but today it shall be your downfall! For I, Toot-Toot McBumbersnazzle, am one of the heralds of the New World Order!" He yanked at the sickle again, almost drawing the sledgehammer out of Soos's hands. "And I will be the one to finally–"

A plastic container slammed into Toot-Toot's forehead. Surprised, he released the sickle and stumbled backwards, tripping and landing on the container. It exploded into a flurry of glitter.

"Nice one, dude," Soos said, staring at his fallen foe.

"Yeah, nice job, sis," Dipper said.

Pacifica smiled at her. Mabel blushed.

"Aw, guys, it was nothing," she said.

Toot-Toot got to his feet, hacking and coughing.

"Stalinists! Attack!" he yelled.

Soos picked up the sickle and held it against his hammer. "Not while I'm still around, you don't!" he declared.

The Stalinists stopped in their tracks. They removed their hoods.

"Oh my gosh, you're all so old!" Mabel yelped.

It was true. Thirty years of underground living had done little for their complexions; the ravages of age, even less. The Stalinists were now all older than retirement age.

"We surrender," one of the cultists said. "Children of capitalism, you have bested us this day."

Suddenly, a phone rang. Toot-Toot McBumbersnazzle ran off to answer it.

"Hello?" he said. "No, things are _not_ all well here! The capitalists have broken in and routed us!" He paused and listened. "Of course, dear leader. I promise."

Toot-Toot McBumbersnazzle hung up and turned back to his conquerors. They looked at him.

"So who was that?" Dipper asked suspiciously.

Toot-Toot McBumbersnazzle drew himself up to his full height. "You'd like to know, wouldn't you? Well too bad! You may have bested us, but there is no way you will find our brothers-in-arms! Communism will triumph, no matter how much you kulaks wish it were not the case!"

"Is that a fact?" Pacifica asked. She held her hand out. "Soos, the sickle."

Soos handed over the sickle. Pacifica walked towards him and stopped an arms-length away. She stared at his twice-smashed foot meaningfully.

"Where are the others?" she asked.

Toot-Toot began to sweat. He looked at Pacifica nervously. Pacifica stared at him, unflinching.

Toot-Toot opened his mouth to speak.

"The coordinates are latitude 41.5228 degrees north, longitude 113.5526 degrees west. They're in northern Utah."

"Write it down," Pacifica said.

Toot-Toot grabbed a piece of paper, wrote down the coordinates, and handed them to Pacifica.

"Good. Now where's the exit?" she asked.

Toot-Toot pointed to his left. A door was built into the wall. Pacifica silently strode towards it. The rest of the group followed her as she opened the door, revealing a staircase.

The quartet exited the Church of Stalinists.

* * *

 **Northeastern Foothills outside Boise, Idaho**

As soon as they arrived aboveground, Soos cheered.

"We made it, dudes!"

"Hey, Pacifica, that was pretty cool what you did back there," Dipper said.

Pacifica blushed.

"Yeah, it was awesome!" Mabel said.

"Thanks," Pacifica said nervously.

"Well, dudes," Soos said, patting the roof of the truck, "I guess we're headed to Utah. What were those coordinates, Pacifica?"

Pacifica handed him the coordinates and climbed into the backseat. Waddles bumped his snout against her hand, but this time Pacifica didn't complain. Instead, she just petted the pig's nose.


	6. Refuge in Utah

**Utah State Route 30  
Northern Utah**

The truck pulled to a stop on the side of the road. Soos stepped out and slammed his door shut. He was followed by the other members of the group.

"Okay, dudes," Soos said. "I don't have to tell you how important it is to get Stan and Ford back. We know that they're probably around here, or that somebody around here knows something. So, where the heck are we?"

They scanned the surrounding countryside. The area around them was almost untouched wilderness, all scrub grasses and sand. The only signs of human civilization were the road and some discarded fast food wrappers.

Dipper sighed. "According to the coordinates, it's somewhere over there." He pointed east.

The group wandered over to the indicated spot. At that point, they began to look for something–anything–that might be a hidden entrance. The flat scrub grass didn't provide any clues as to where a secret entrance might be. In fact, all the grasses started to look the same after a while, with no sense that there might be an entrance anywhere.

Eventually, they met again at the coordinates that were indicated. Nobody had found anything. Dipper groaned.

"I can't believe this!" he complained. "Do you think Toot-Toot lied to us? What a jerk! I can't believe he'd do that! And why's he even want our Grunkles, anyway? Guh! None of this makes any sense!"

"Chill, dude," Soos said. "I'm sure–"

The ground collapsed underneath them.

* * *

 **Underground  
Northern Utah**

The group fell into a net. The net snapped shut around them. A shadowy figure walked towards them. It laughed as it approached.

"Oh, you fools," the figure said. "You really thought you could defeat us, didn't you. Raised on a diet of petit bourgeois tales of the lone capitalist, facing down the collective. The lone figure of righteousness against the insidious group of evil. Your tales of Prometheus and Batman, lone heroes facing down the rest of the world, the individual against the corrupt collective. Fattened up by these tales to serve your moneyed masters. And then when your masters send you to break down the united proletariat, you follow blindly, certain of the correctness of your ideals." It laughed. "Poor souls, you've been brainwashed into joining the wrong side. You believe that the status quo is good enough. That it is perfectly alright to have your blood sucked out to feed the rich. After all, they're the ones who truly let you survive. AWAKEN! Your survival is that of the cattle and pigs! You only live so long as it pleases your plutocratic masters! Your democracy is a sham!"

"Whatever, dude, just give us back our Grunkles!" Mabel complained.

"Yeah!" Dipper said. "We don't care about your class war! Why'd you have to kidnap them?"

The Stalinist laughed. "Of course, blame us. That's always the route of the treacherous wreckers. Now say goodnight."

"Wait, why?" Soos asked.

The figure pulled a baseball bat out from behind its back and clubbed each of them over the head harshly. They fell into unconsciousness, and the figure signaled for the net to release. It did, and the group tumbled down onto the floor. Other figures approached and picked up the unconscious captives. They carried them over to a large crate and stuffed them inside. As soon as they were all in, the crate was sealed. The leader of the group smirked as it pulled out a shipping label and slapped it onto the side of the crate.

"Don't worry," it said. "You'll be meeting our friends very, very soon."

The Stalinist cackled. The rest of the group joined in shortly thereafter, but soon the entire group broke out into a coughing fit. It took several minutes for the coughs and wheezes to subside.

"Alright," the leader said, exhaling heavily. "Now how are we going to get them onto the delivery truck?"

The group began murmuring amongst themselves. The leader sighed.

"Fine. I'll pay for a crew of movers, but we are _not_ getting overnight shipping! We have to cut costs somewhere if we want to have organic beef at our barbeque."


	7. We Who Try

**Inside a Shipping Crate**

Pacifica groaned as she awoke and pressed a hand against her pounding head. She squeezed her eyes shut as tight as she could before opening them for the first time. She couldn't see anything. Pacifica slowly sat up, trying to ignore the ache in her skull, and closed her eyes again as she tried to remember what happened. The memories tumbled into her head, and she groaned again as she realized what was going on.

"Everything okay, dude?" Soos asked from somewhere behind her.

"Tell me something, Soos," Pacifica muttered. "Are we gonna get out of this alive?"

"Uh, gee, Pacifica, I don't–" Soos started to say.

"Because if we don't, I am going to have my revenge on each and every one of you," Pacifica continued. "I don't know how, but my headache tells me that you're going to be the ones I get back at for dragging me into this."

Soos paused for a few seconds.

"Gee, sorry, Pacifica," he said. "I guess we never, uh, never really told you what we'd be getting into."

"No," Pacifica said bitterly. "You didn't."

Soos sat down next to her. "Hey, would some of my pizza cheer you up?"

"Where'd you get pizza?" she asked.

"Time wish," Soos said. "I wished for an infinite slice of pizza. It's pepperoni, but I can make it something else."

"An infinite slice of pizza?" Pacifica asked disbelievingly. "That's–actually, that's a pretty good wish."

A moan ripped through the air.

"Dipper!" Mabel said, pained. "My head hurts! What did I do last night?"

Dipper grumbled as he woke up too. "We got knocked out, Mabel. And now we're in complete darkness, at the mercy of a bunch of people who think it's the eighties, and we have no idea where our Grunkles are!"

Mabel groaned. "I was happier when I thought I ate too much Smile Dip again."

"Hey, cheer up, dudes," Soos said. "I can tell some jokes to pass the time. Okay, so, a guy walks into a bar, right? And he's got, like, a donkey with him, but the donkey has to stay outside, because the bar has a strict no donkeys allowed policy. But this other guy comes in with a camel, and the camel gets to come in too, and it's one of those two-humped camels. So anyway, a guy with a donkey has to–wait, no, the donkey has to stay outside, but the guy is in the bar, and then another guy with a camel with two humps comes in. And then–"

"Soos, shut up!" Dipper yelled. "Nobody cares about camels!"

"Whoa, dude, okay," Soos said. "Sorry. I was just trying to–"

"Trying to what? Trying to annoy us? Trying to tell a bad joke? No, Soos! Why can't you be serious?" Dipper yelled. "Our Grunkles are in danger, and all you do is tell bad jokes about camels! There are bigger issues here than camels or donkeys or whatever, like the minor fact that _we're trapped in a box_!"

"Hey, I'm just trying to lighten the mood!" Soos defended himself.

"Lighten the mood? Are you serious? We're in big trouble here, and you think we can afford to quit caring about it?" Dipper yelled.

"Oh like it's so easy! I miss them too, dude, but we don't have any clues! How about you focus on finding some clues instead of yelling at me!"

"Maybe I would've if you hadn't gotten us all captured! Setting off the net trap, what were you thinking?"

"Me? Me? I didn't set it off!"

"You're the only one of us pushing two hundred fifty!"

Soos gasped. "Oh, real nice, Dipper. At least I don't think I'm the smartest person ever born! What's it like, being a know-it-all? Because I'm pretty sure you don't know as much as you think you do, _dude_!"

"Oh yeah? Well–"

"STOP IT!" Mabel yelled. The mouths of Dipper and Soos snapped shut. "Stop it right now! I'm sick of this! We're supposed to be friends! We're supposed to be a team! But all you guys are doing is fighting! And over what? Because Soos tried to calm everyone down? Because Dipper can't find any clues? Because Pacifica doesn't know how to admit she cares about us and is only pretending she has to be dragged along? Because we're trapped in a dark box? I have been trying _so hard_ not to give up and be as negative as you! I have been trying to be joyful cheerful Mabel who's easily distracted by shiny objects and obsessed with boys and totally not losing her mind over her missing Grunkles and it hasn't helped a bit! You're being jerks because you're upset about Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford! Dipper, your one-track mind is making you obsessed with finding our Grunkles and you haven't even noticed what a grouch you're being! Pacifica, I know you're trying to pretend that you're still above it all but come off it! You came with us because you care, not just because you're bored! And Soos, I get that you're trying to keep us all together and working as a team but we need a way out, not a joke about camels! All of you are just being, just being idiots! And that's my role! I'm supposed to be the silly one who lightens the mood so we don't go insane, and you're not letting it lighten! We want to find our Grunkles, so let's quit fighting with each other and save them already!"

The crate fell silent. The only sound was Mabel sniffling after her outburst. A hand reached out and took her hand, giving it a squeeze.

"Thanks Dipper," Mabel sniffed.

"Um, Mabel, I'm over here," Dipper's voice said from the other side of the crate.

Mabel's eyes widened. Before she could process this, the crate shifted and everybody tumbled. The crate jerked as it kept moving.

"I think we're moving, dudes!" Soos said.

"Where are we going?" Pacifica asked frantically.

The crate dropped and landed with a thump.

"Wherever it is, we're here," Dipper said.

A scratching was heard and a crowbar made its way into the side of the crate. It pulled the side loose, and the side fell onto the ground. Light streamed into the crate.


	8. Even Harder

**University of New Mexico  
Albuquerque, New Mexico**

Fluorescent light entered the crate. The group squinted at the sudden glare and blinked several times, attempting to adjust to the light. When they did, they spotted a large group of young adults who all appeared to be in need of a shower.

"Whoa..." one of them said. "It's like, people. In a box."

"Yeah," a woman concurred. "Like, is this a representation of capitalism and how it forces us to box up our individuality?"

"Nah, dude," another woman said. "It's gotta be about the negative effects of human trafficking on modern life."

"No, like, it's about the darkness we're all kept in that we try to fill with material things," another man said. "The fat guy, he represents attempting to use food to fill the void. And the kids are representations of people who try to be kids again instead of like, maturing and realizing that the system itself needs to change. And the pig's sleeping because it doesn't realize that the revolution always comes for the swine!"

"Uh, no," Pacifica said, stepping forward. "And who are you guys, anyway?"

"We're the resistance!" another young woman said. "And you got mailed to us!"

"It's gotta be a sign," a young man said. "They must've come to help!"

"Help with what?" Mabel said craftily.

"With the protest, dude!" the ostensible leader of the group, who had declared them the resistance, said. "We need all the help we can get if we're going to overthrow tyranny!"

"Uh, hold on," Dipper said. "We don't even know what's going on here. Why should we join your protest?"

The young adults gasped. "Dude! Don't you want to smash the system and right the wrongs?"

"Um–give us a minute," Soos said. He signaled for them to huddle up. Dipper, Mabel, and Pacifica did so. Outside the crate, the other group huddled as well. Soon, murmurs of discussion filled the room.

"Okay, dudes," Soos said. "I've seen people like this before. I don't know if we should go along with them."

"Are you kidding?" Mabel said. "This is like Dipper's dream!"

"What?" Dipper said, shocked. "No it isn't!"

"Uh, yeah it is, bro-bro," Mabel said. "You always wanted to hang with the cool kids and make a difference. Well here's your chance!"

"What? Well, uh, um, what?" Dipper stammered.

"They do seem pretty cool, what with their ironic t-shirts and revolutionary ideals," Soos mused.

"Wait, hold on, hold on," Dipper said. "How is this going to help us find our Grunkles?"

Silence descended upon the group.

"You got any better ideas?" Pacifica asked.

"Um, how about we go back to Utah, not get knocked out, take care of business, and then figure out where to go from there?" Dipper suggested.

"Great idea," Pacifica said sarcastically. "And how exactly will we _get_ to the middle of nowhere?"

Soos's eyes widened. "Aw, dude, my truck! It's totally sitting up there!"

"Don't worry, Soos!" Mabel said cheerfully. "The Communists probably took it!"

She realized what she said a second too late and put a hand over her mouth. Soos slumped.

"Sorry, Soos," Mabel said regretfully.

"Aw, it's alright, dude," Soos said sadly. "You're probably right about what happened to my truck."

"Look, I guess your truck's gone," Pacifica said. "But let's not focus on trying to get it back right now. I think we should go with the college kids."

"Um, _why?_ " Dipper asked.

"Because we don't really have any other options," Pacifica said. "We don't know where we are, we don't know why we're here, and we don't know where to find your Grunkles. For all we know, this is where we were supposed to go next. And even if it's not, well, we can't really _do_ anything about that."

A hush fell over the group. Waddles snorted, and Mabel picked him up in a firm cuddle.

"I hate to say it, but Pacifica's right," she said. "We've gotta see what they're doing. Just in case."

Dipper nodded. "You're right. Mystery Twins?"

"Mystery Twins," Mabel agreed.

"Hey, what about me?" Soos asked.

"We're Pterodactyl Bros," Dipper told him. Soos grinned.

"Yeah! And glitter pals!" Mabel added.

The three smiled at each other.

"So what am I?" Pacifica asked quietly.

They turned to her. Mabel smiled.

"You're our friend, silly!" she said, pulling Pacifica into a hug. The group broke the huddle and looked over at the young radicals, who were still deep in conversation. After about a minute, one of them noticed that they had stopped talking, and slowly the other group stopped discussing things and turned back to the four Grunkle hunters.

"So how do we know we can trust you?" the leader of the radicals asked.

Dipper's jaw dropped. "Us?" he squeaked.

"Uh, yeah," she said. "You're like, what. A freshman? In _high school_? You don't have the worldly experience to know what tyranny looks like. How are you possibly going to help us?"

"Uh, well, uh–" Dipper stammered.

"Maybe we're not," Pacifica said calmly. "Why should we?"

"What?" an angry young man asked. "Why should you? Because it's your future too, man! If you don't, like, rise up against tyranny, it'll devour you! It'll devour us all, man!"

"Then why not let us help?" Pacifica asked, still calm. "If you need all the help you can get, why not take us with you?"

The group of protesters muttered among themselves. One of them stepped forward.

"You wanna come with us?" she asked. "Tell me what the opiate of the masses is."

"Television!" Soos guessed.

"Uh...actually, yeah, that's pretty much right," she said.

"Knew it!" Soos said happily.

"How are they controlling us, man?" another person asked.

"Television!" Soos said quickly.

"Uh, yeah, dude. How'd you, like, know?" he asked.

"Okay, okay, this has been fun and all, but there's one thing really important we have to know," the leader of the group said. "Are you in any way affiliated with the clothing industry?"

"Yes!" Mabel said happily. "I make my own sweaters!"

"Dude, that's not an industry," one of the radicals said. "That's like, the opposite of industry. You're like, making things yourself instead of having some greedy conglomeration make them for you. It's like, totally hardcore."

The rest of the group nodded and snapped their fingers.

"Alright, they're cool," the leader said. "Dudes, you ready?"

Mabel, Dipper, Pacifica, and Soos shared glances.

"Uh, ready for what?" Dipper asked.

"Ready to protest, dude!" the leader said. "It's time to bring down tyranny!"

"We're in," Mabel said confidently.

"Cool," the leader said. Behind her, a garage door opened, revealing three large vans. "Get in the van, we're going on a trip."


	9. Don't Just Stare

**I-10  
West Texas**

Three vans purred down the interstate through the prairies of West Texas. The sun beat down harshly upon the world outside, but this was of no concern to the vans' inhabitance, who had cranked up the air conditioning and the tunes. In one of the vans, the stereo was blaring a Huey Lewis and the News tune, mainly because the driver's taste in music ran towards mid-80s pop rock. Despite this, everyone in the van was enjoying each others company to the sounds of _Hip To Be Square_. Everyone, that is, except for four people and their pig seated in the back of the van, who looked distinctly out of place among the college-aged people around them.

"So, dudes, wanna play I spy?" Soos suggested.

"Grass, dirt, highway, 18-wheeler, road signs," Pacifica said.

"Huh," Soos said. "Got it all in one, Pacifica."

"Do you still think this was a good idea?" Dipper asked his sister. "I mean, we're in the middle of nowhere and we don't even know where we're headed. Plus, I don't think these guys really know where our Grunkles are."

Mabel waved him off. "C'mon, Dip-dop, of course they don't. They're just taking us to them."

"Okay, give me a second to try and parse that logic," Dipper said.

"She thinks that although these guys don't know where the Stans are, they're going to lead us to them anyway," Pacifica said. "And uh, why is that?"

Mabel shrugged. "I dunno. I just have a gut feeling."

"Well, I–"

" _Gut_ feeling, Dipper. Gut!"

"Okay, okay," Dipper said, chuckling. "But I still wanna know where we're going."

"Yeah, but how are we gonna figure that out, dude?" Soos asked. "I can't get a signal, and I totally need to call Melody and tell her what's up."

"Um, maybe we could just ask them?" Pacifica said.

The other three stared at her.

"One two three not it!" Mabel quickly said.

"Not it!" Dipper and Soos chorused.

Pacifica rolled her eyes. "Fine. You owe me."

She reached forward and tapped the nearest person on the shoulder. He looked back at her.

"Um, excuse me?" Pacifica said politely. "Could you tell me where we're going?"

"Yo, dudes!" the young man said loudly. "Where are we going?"

"Alabama!" one of them said. "Home of, uh, the uh, bus protests!"

"Dude, I thought that was like, San Francisco," someone else said.

"Nah, like, weren't those in Mississippi?" another person added.

"We're going to Arkansas!" the driver called back.

"Oh, right!" the guy in front of Pacifica said. He turned back to her. "We're going to this place where there's a factory producing adult diapers. The manufacturer is something like the seventh-largest supplier of adult diapers in like, the entire United States. We gotta bring them down, dude!"

"Thanks," Pacifica said politely. "We'll think about that."

The man turned away from her.

"Adult diapers, eh?" Soos asked. He nodded. "Yep. It sure sounds sinister."

"No it doesn't," Dipper said flatly.

"No it doesn't," Soos agreed.

"Diapertown," Mabel muttered, disgusted. "Ugh. I'd rather go to Sweatertown."

"You know, I was kind of afraid you would back there," Dipper said. Mabel punched him in the arm affectionately. "Ow!"

"So you guys are cool?" Soos asked.

"Yeah. We're cool," Dipper said. "Hey, uh, sorry for, y'know, blowing up at you back there, Soos. You were trying to get me to chill."

"Hey, no prob, dude," Soos said. "That was a stupid joke anyway. And I can't even remember the punchline."

"Group hug!" Mabel declared, pulling the two people nearest her into a hug. Soos, on the outside, joined in.

"Wait, hold on a sec," Pacifica said after a few seconds, pushing away. She tapped the man in front of her on the shoulder, and he turned back to look at her again. "So when do we get there?"

"Tomorrow. And then it's an all-day protest!" the radical declared. "Dude, we're gonna like, drive all night, trade drivers every few hours, sleep in these van seats–" _Sussudio_ started playing. "Oh! I love this song!"

The man turned away and started singing along under his breath. Behind him, the other four groaned.

Dipper looked at his companions. "It's gonna be a long ride."


	10. Mergers and Acquisitions

**Urtint, Arkansas**

Sometime after 3:00 in the afternoon, the vans pulled to a stop by a public park. Their doors slid open simultaneously, and the occupants of the vans rushed out of them–well, as much as they could rush while working to unbuckle themselves and scoot out the doors of some large vans. Regardless, within five minutes the group had assembled as one on the grass of the public park. Several members were already holding up signs in protest.

The last ones out of the van were the Gravity Falls crew, but they ended up being roped into helping out with the protest as well. That was why they found themselves holding up signs and listening to the other protesters chatter. Despite the fact that they had been protesting for an hour, nobody had taken much notice, both because it was summer in Arkansas and too hot to argue and also because nobody particularly wanted to get involved with the strange out-of-towners protesting one of the town's main sources of employment.

For that matter, the only people around to really witness the protest were some children on the nearby playground, and they were too busy playing to care too much about some grown-ups with signs on the grass. In fact, the only person who was actually actively upset by the protest was one of their mothers, who came by to harangue them after her child had spent about fifteen minutes playing. Her child didn't seem at all distracted, as she was instead focused on crossing the monkey bars and playing with her friends, but it was always possible that she might catch a glimpse of the protesters and decide to become a student radical at the tender age of six, disappointing her parents eternally. Admittedly, it took quite an imagination to believe that this was likely to happen, but it was still possible, if implausible.

Even the angry mother didn't have much of an impact, though, as her complaints mainly relied on how they were disturbing her child rather than any substantiative distaste for the protesters' opinions. Then again, this might have been because the signs they were holding up had slogans such as "Down With OPS", "OPS is the worst", and "Hey Melody We're In Arkansas" (this last one belonging to Soos, of course). To any passerby, they would look like protesters of some organization called OPS rather than the local adult diaper factory, especially since the signs that didn't mention it instead held statements along the lines of "Death to Tyranny" and "Now We're The Ones Raising A Stink!"

The final consequence of this was that as the sun went down in the sky five hours after they arrived, they had attracted pretty much no attention to their protest aside from a few sidelong glances and the aforementioned irate mother. With the night growing dark, they dropped their signs and instead set up a firepit on the grass.

"Whoa, you guys brought material for a firepit?" Dipper asked, surprised.

"Of course we did, dude!" the leader, whom he had learned was named Hannah, told him. "What's a protest without a fireplace? We can gather around it and talk about tyranny and protest and the future."

"Uh, yeah, that sounds great," Dipper said, faking a smile. "I'm just gonna go talk to my uh, my sister now. See you later."

Hannah waved goodbye to him and turned back to one of her friends. "No, Tyler, it's totally cool to burn this wood. It was just going to be used by that construction company to put up polluting apartments anyway."

Dipper made his way over to Mabel and Pacifica, who were giggling together. They broke apart as he approached.

"So, bro-bro, what's going on?" Mabel asked.

"Look, Mabel, I really don't think this is the right place," Dipper said. "There's nothing really weird about these guys. They're just college students."

"You really don't think we should be following them?" Mabel asked.

"Yeah," Dipper said. "I hate to say it, but this seems like a waste of time."

"No!" Pacifica exclaimed. The Pines looked at her oddly. "I mean, these guys are really interesting. We should hang around with them and see what happens. Plus, we did get shipped to them by the Communists. Who's to say they're not in on the whole kidnapping thing?"

"It's just–do you really think they're involved in a kidnapping?" Dipper asked.

"Yeah," Mabel added. "They seem too nice."

"So? Maybe they're good at putting on a front," Pacifica said.

"Please. Nobody could keep up a fake personality for that long," Mabel said.

"Let's go find Soos and talk to him about this," Dipper said. They walked off together.

Pacifica looked at the ground sadly. "I did," she muttered to herself.

* * *

 **Cassidy Devereux Memorial Park  
Urtint, Arkansas**

"I dunno, dudes," Soos said. "Like, how are we gonna get back to Utah? And why would they ship us to college students, anyway, if there wasn't a connection?"

Dipper sighed. "I guess you're right. Still, I can't help but feel that we ended up on the wrong track somewhere along the line."

"You mean, because we're in the middle of a protest and we don't know what we're protesting, or because we're in Arkansas in summer?" Soos asked.

"Don't remind me," Dipper grumbled. "This is the sweatiest I've ever been."

Mabel laughed. "Please. You were way sweatier last summer."

"What? No I wasn't," Dipper said. "Oregon isn't as hot as this place."

"But is this place as hot as Wendy?" Mabel teased.

Dipper blushed.

"Ha! Knew it!" Mabel exulted. "C'mon, let's go sit down by the fire. Ooh, maybe they'll have marshmallows!"

The trio headed over to the fire and sat down. Seconds later, five police cars and a fire truck pulled up, lights flashing and sirens wailing.

The cops all calmly stepped out of their cars. The firefighters rushed to hook up a fire hose to a nearby fire hydrant, and then ran over to the protesters. They quickly doused the flames with an enormous gush of water that also happened to rebound of the ground and soak almost everyone.

"Hey!" Hannah complained. "What do you think you're doing?"

A policeman calmly walked over to her. "Well, miss, if I may call you that–"

"You may not!" Hannah said angrily. "Who do you pigs think you are! We know our rights!"

"No open flames in a public area, ma'am," the officer said smoothly. "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to put you all under arrest."

"No way, pig!" Hannah declared. "You may take us, but you won't take us peacefully!"

* * *

 **County Jail  
Urtint, Arkansas**

They pulled up to the county jail about twenty minutes later. Despite Hannah's claims, the entire group had come calmly once the police pulled out some canisters of pepper spray.

"Pigs!" Hannah spat as she was led into the jail. "Your brutality will be your downfall! You're gonna pay for this! I'm calling my parents, and their lawyers!"

An officer led Dipper, Mabel, Pacifica, Waddles, and Soos into the jail. Their hands were cuffed behind their back.

"So you're their legal guardian?" the policeman leading them in asked Soos.

"Uh, yeah, for the time being," Soos said. "I was put in charge by their grunkles while they were on a trip."

"This true?" the officer asked the kids. "You're safe here. He can't do anything to harm you."

"Yeah, it's true," Dipper said.

Mabel nodded. "Soos is good at taking care of us."

"We're with him," Pacifica agreed.

"Alright, well, you're all gonna be staying here overnight," the cop said. "I'm gonna put you kids in a cell together with the pig. Porky, you're coming with me."

Soos sighed. "Alone again. Oh well!"

The officer shooed the children and the pig into a cell and then escorted Soos down the hall. They each collapsed into a cot and stared at the ceiling.

"Well," Dipper finally said, "this day was a total waste."

Mabel nodded as well as she could from flat on her back. "At least this time the cells aren't cold."


	11. A Surprisingly Delicious Breakfast

**County Jail  
Urtint, Arkansas**

"Alright, wake up! Everyone up!"

The warden's voice and the sounds of a bell rang through the county jail. Groaning, Soos's cellmates heaved themselves to their feet. Soos was already up, as his day at the Mystery Shack routinely started around seven, but judging from their groans and complaints, none of the radicals sharing his cell were used to waking up this early in the day.

"Oh, come on, dude!" one of them groaned, rising from his bed. "What time is it, anyway?"

"7:30, inmates! Time to get up!" the warden called back. He stopped in front of their cell. "Ah, yes. The park burners. Y'all get out today–"

"Finally!" one of them said loudly.

"–right after breakfast."

Everyone in the cell except for Soos groaned loudly. Soos licked his lips and rubbed his hands together. The warden moved off.

"Oh boy, breakfast!" Soos said to himself. "I wonder what it'll be?"

"Watery gruel and stale bread," one of his compatriots grumbled. "That's all they ever feed prisoners."

Soos stared at him. "What is gruel, anyway?"

The young man shrugged. "It sucks."

By this time, everyone was awake. Two officers came down each side, pushing serving carts. The one that came to Soos's cell unlocked a small door at the bottom of the cell and pushed four trays through. Soos picked his up eagerly.

"Oh, boy!" he said, excited. "Pancakes, toast, sausage, bacon, and orange juice? Dude! This is a great breakfast! Thanks!"

The officer doffed his cap. "My pleasure, son. You eat well now."

The officer continued down the hall with his serving cart. Soos dug in.

* * *

 **County Jail  
Urtint, Arkansas**

Everyone got out of jail about half an hour later, bellies full and ready to take on the day. Soos quickly jogged over to the rest of his group and followed them as they walked through the parking lot.

"So, how was your night?" Soos asked them.

"The cots were surprisingly comfortable," Dipper informed him.

"And breakfast was good," Pacifica added.

"And this was the _worst sleepover ever_ ," Mabel complained. "We weren't allowed to talk, or sing songs, or dress up, or do makeovers, or eat lots of sugar, or _anything_!"

"Um, Mabel?" Dipper said. "We were in jail."

"I know that, but still, this was like our first official sleepover with Pacifica, and it was the worst sleepover I've ever been to!" Mabel exclaimed. "Isn't that right, Waddles?"

Waddles snorted.

Soos chuckled. "Well, what should we do now?"

Suddenly, one of the radicals shrieked. Everyone stopped to stare at the source of the sound.

"Look!" she said hysterically. "They stole our vans!"

Sure enough, the protesters' vans had been towed to the county jail's parking lot.

"Dude, this is great!" Hannah said. "We can drive back to the park and start protesting again!"

"Yeah, but the pigs stole our vans!" the angry radical complained.

"Yeah, they're like, so nasty!" someone else joined in.

"Those were ours! How dare they take them!" another protestor added.

"Dudes, chill," Hannah said. "We're out of jail and tyranny here hasn't been defeated, so how about we go back to the park and continue protesting!"

The radicals cheered and headed for the vans. Mabel and Pacifica looked at each other and nodded.

"Wait!" Pacifica said. Everyone ignored her. "Guys! We can't go back to the park!"

A protester halted and turned toward her. "Say what? Dudes!" he called to the others. "We like, can't go back to the park!"

"WHAT?" Hannah said, furious. "They can't do it! That's a public space! And we're the public!"

"No, I mean–" Pacifica fumbled for her words. "We didn't accomplish anything yesterday."

"Oh, you did _not_ go there," a radical scoffed. "Dude, we like totally raised awareness for the cause! Did you see that angry woman? She was majorly upset with us! That's like the first step to causing change!"

"Yeah, I know," Dipper said. "But we were talking–" he indicated Mabel and Pacifica, "–and we think there's a better way to bring down tyranny."

"Yeah," Mabel added. "Most people will let you talk to them at least."

"So why not take it to the top?" Dipper asked. "We go to the factory itself and try to negotiate with them."

"That's insane!" the radical scoffed. "No way will one of those fat cats listen to reason!"

"Hold on," Hannah said thoughtfully. "If we go in and try to talk to them, even if we get brushed off, we can say that we tried to do things the nice polite way." She grinned. "This is a great way to totally delegitimatize them! Dudes! Let's do it!"

Some of the protesters cheered, and the entire group headed for the vans. They piled into them, and once again, the Mystery Shack crew took the back row in one of the vans. Once everyone was aboard, though, the vans just sat there. After a few minutes, one of the protesters noticed.

"Yo, dude!" he called to the driver. "Why aren't we moving?"

"I don't know where it is!" she called back.

* * *

 **Taylor David Adult Diaper Factory  
Urtint, Arkansas**

After about an hour, the group finally found their way to the factory and assembled as a mob in the factory's reception room.

"Well, hello," the elderly receptionist said nervously. "What can I do for you?"

"We want to talk to the owner of this place!" Hannah said confidently.

"Yeah!" the other radicals cheered.

"Oh dear," the receptionist said nervously. She bit the end of her pen and looked at the calendar. "Well, I–oh. You're in luck, it seems. He's available in, um, fifteen minutes."

"We'll wait," Hannah said.

"Very well," the receptionist said, jotting down a note. "I'll call him and let him know you're on the way. Is there anything else I should tell him?"

"Yeah!" Hannah said. "Tell him we're not gonna take it anymore! He's gonna go down today!"

"Um, okay," she said. "Feel free to have a seat and wait in our reception area."

Those who could find seats did. Dipper, Mabel, Soos, and Pacifica sat together.

"Well, that was convenient," Soos said.


	12. Subtle Off-White Coloring

**Taylor David Adult Diaper Factory  
Urtint, Arkansas**

The seconds ticked by as the protesters got closer and closer to their meeting with the owner of the factory. The reception area was mostly silent as everybody prepared for the meeting in their own ways. The Mystery Shack crew was particularly apprehensive, as they were lost in their own thoughts.

Pacifica was contemplating family. When her family lost all their money in weirdness bonds, she didn't immediately understood what it meant. Not quite, at least. Over the next few weeks, she was given a crash course in figuring it out. She'd learned what it meant to not be rich; neither of her parents had managed to do the same. Consequently, they went from rich to upper-middle class to poor, and as they did her parents actually grew more distant from her–even though if you had asked her if this was possible a year ago and she had been willing to answer honestly, she would have said that they were already as far away as possible while still being physically present. By today, they might have noticed she was missing, but they might not have; she wasn't spending much time at home anyway. Since November, she'd pretty much spent all her time either at school or work, only stopping at their small apartment to sleep. Not that either of her parents noticed; they never even questioned where the money she brought in came from. If anything, they'd miss her money more than they missed her. No wonder she leapt at the chance to go on an adventure with the Pines crew. Ever since Mabel had arrived in Oregon, she'd been jealous. Jealous of her close relationship with her brother, of how happy she was, of how _free_ she was, of how she actually had people who cared for her. So when an opportunity was provided for Pacifica to skip out and spend time with people who actually seemed like a family, of course she went for it.

Mabel was thinking about the previous year. When she and her brother had been sent off to Oregon, she had never expected to have the kind of adventures she did. Admittedly, she was expecting to have _some_ adventures–since it was a strange town with a grunkle she'd never met before and she had a whole summer to spend there, adventures were bound to be around every corner. But the kind of adventures she'd been expecting were a whirlwind summer romance, new friends, and new inspiration for her sweaters. She was _not_ expecting to have to battle gnomes, never mind save a boy band of clones from their tyrannical manager or compose a huge production that used sock puppets or, of course, save the world. And when she got back to Piedmont, she couldn't wait to go back to Gravity Falls. Obviously not as much as Dipper did, but it was in the back of her mind throughout the school year. But more than just going back, she wanted to see her Grunkles. The phone calls, video chats, and postcards were all wonderful and let her know that her Grunkles were having adventures, but it wasn't the same as actually being there. And now, Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford were missing–kidnapped–and she was stuck waiting in a reception area so that a bunch of adults could talk to the manager of some diaper factory.

Dipper was focused on the future. The near future, where they'd be meeting the owner of the factory, sure, but more importantly the future of him and his great-uncles. Despite the distance they'd travelled, there was something at the back of his mind telling him that they weren't on the right path. Worse, he couldn't tell whether his apprehension was caused by his general nature or whether it was because they really were headed in the wrong direction. Either way, he had to admit that Pacifica had a good point when they set off towards Arkansas: they didn't have any way to get back to Utah and they didn't have any other options. Even so, there was just something slightly off about the entire situation. More troubling was the fact that the factory gave off a sense of being _weird_ , and not in the usual way but in a way that suggested Gravity Falls-type weirdness.

Soos was thinking about the present. He hadn't been able to call Melody since before they'd been captured, and his wallet had been emptied of cash by the Communists in Utah. He had no money on him, and while this had made him more enthusiastic when it came to going along with the mob, he wasn't sure how much longer he could keep this up. Plus, even if he did have money, he had to admit that he wasn't even sure they weren't completely lost. After all, what kind of kidnapper would take two old men to Arkansas? And how would a diaper factory matter? None of this added up, not even the part where they were protesting a diaper factory.

Soos's head snapped up.

"Uh, hey," he ventured into the silence of the waiting room, "What are we protesting, anyway?"

"Tyranny, dude!" Hannah said loudly. "The world is full of petty and not-so-petty tyrants seeking to keep us all under their thumbs, and we're determined to stop them! That's why we're here! That's why you're here!"

"Yeah, but dude, what kind of tyranny are we protesting?" Soos asked.

"Old-person smell."

The Mystery Shack Crew looked at her, startled.

"Old-person smell?" Pacifica asked, disbelieving.

"Yes," Hannah said calmly.

"Okay, but–why?" Dipper asked.

Hannah shrugged. "It was on the list, after rice crackers and shawarma."

"That's not fair!" Mabel complained. "Old people can't help how they smell! And besides, I like how our Grunkles smell!"

"Wait, really?" Soos asked, surprised. "Because dude, I like Stan and all, but he needs to use some stronger soap."

"Hold on, are you serious?" Pacifica asked incredulously. "You dragged us all out here just so you could protest old-person smell by coming to a diaper factory?"

"Uh, yeah!" one of the protesters said. "How else are we gonna bring down the tyranny of old-person smell?"

"That's insane!" Dipper exclaimed.

"That's not insane, Dipper," Mabel said calmly. Her face hardened. "That's stupid!"

"No, you're stupid!" one of the protesters fired back.

"Told you we shouldn't have taken them with us!" another one added.

"Oh yeah?" Pacifica said angrily. "Well–"

"At least it's not Hump Day!" Soos blurted out.

Every angry person on both sides instantly deflated slightly due to their confusion at Soos's statement. Instead of arguing, they all turned to Soos, confused.

"Uh, Soos?" Dipper said. "It is Hump Day."

"Yeah, but dude, that was the punchline I couldn't remember," Soos explained. He smiled. "Geez. That's a load off my mind. Now, how'd that joke go again? Let's see, there was–"

"Um, excuse me?" the receptionist said. Soos stopped talking. "Mr. David will see you now."

The people waiting in the lobby filed into an elevator, cramming in tightly. The elevator doors closed, and the elevator ascended to the office.

* * *

 **Taylor David Adult Diaper Factory  
Urtint, Arkansas**

Taylor David was a short, stout man with a very small head. His tie was done up tightly around the neck of his shirt, but his face was warm and inviting.

"So, what can I do for you fellows?" he said in a high-pitched voice. "Please forgive my voice, it's a genetic thing. You understand."

"We want you to get rid of your factory!" Hannah proclaimed.

"What? But why?" Taylor David asked.

While they fell into conversation, Dipper scrutinized the owner more closely. There was something about him that just didn't sit right with Dipper. Something about the man's general form and posture, the way his muscles seemed to twitch in ways they shouldn't, how his head almost acted as if it was disconnected from his body...

Dipper gasped and nudged Mabel.

"Mabel!" Dipper whispered. "Do you see what I see?"

"Stupid people protesting something stupid?" Mabel whispered back.

"No! Mabel! Doesn't that guy kind of remind you of Norman?"

"Norman?" Mabel whispered, confused. Suddenly, recognition flickered in her eyes. "Hey, yeah! He totally does!"

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Dipper whispered, smiling.

Mabel nodded. "We pull off his head."

Dipper nodded, and the duo crept through the mob towards the owner of the company. They went unnoticed as they slipped behind the desk and crept up behind Taylor David. Neither the protesters nor the owner took any notice of them until they pulled off Taylor David's head.


	13. Work All Night

**Taylor David Adult Diaper Factory  
Urtint, Arkansas**

As soon as Taylor David's head was lifted off of his shoulders, he began complaining.

"Hey! Put me down!" Taylor David said, kicking his tiny legs and waving his tiny arms ineffectively.

"Not a chance, gnome," Dipper said.

"Yeah!" Mabel agreed. "So tell us, what's your game? Planning to abduct someone and force them to marry you?"

"That's discrimination!" one of the protesters complained.

"Yeah! Not all little people are kidnappers!" another one added.

"I say we don't protest minority-owned businesses!" another protester said.

"Oh yeah, I'm totally in," someone agreed.

"Let's leave this place and go protest something else! Like expired mayonnaise!" Hannah said.

The rest of the protesters moved out of the office as swiftly as a large group of people cramming into a single elevator can move out of a space. Once the elevator left, the only people in the room were Soos, Dipper, Mabel, Pacifica, and Taylor David.

Taylor David crossed his arms. "You gonna put me down now?"

"You gonna tell us what you're up to?" Pacifica responded.

"Yeah, you planning to kidnap me?" Mabel asked.

The gnome looked at her askance. "What is it with you and kidnapping?"

"That's what happened last time you fools came around!" Mabel said. "You tried to make me marry you."

The gnome exhaled through his teeth. "Hoo boy. This is awkward. Okay, first, we already have a queen. Second, you came to us, we didn't come to you. Third, attack!"

Upon hearing this command, gnomes swarmed out of the business suit. Dipper and Mabel dropped Taylor David and backed up against the wall as the gnomes surrounded them.

"So what should we do?" one of them asked.

"Well, they're awake. I guess we gotta kill them!" another one responded.

"Yeah, kill them!" a third one cheered.

"Alright, let's kill them," Taylor David said.

"You know, I just have one question," Mabel said worriedly as the gnomes closed in.

"Why didn't we bring a leaf blower?" Dipper suggested.

"No. Well, yeah, but why are gnomes running an adult diaper factory in the first place?" she asked.

The gnomes stopped in their tracks.

"Uh, should we tell them?" one of them asked.

"I don't see why not," another one mused.

"It could be a trap!" another gnome said. "They could be planning to steal our business plan!"

"But our business plan is so cool now that we finally figured out Phase Two!" the second gnome exclaimed.

"Uh, Phase Two?" Soos said. "What's Phase One?"

"Phase One, we collect underpants!" one of the gnomes said happily.

Dipper's jaw dropped. "What."

"Phase One, we collect underpants," the gnome repeated. "Geez, kinda thick in the head, aren't you kid?"

"Okay, so you collect underpants," Pacifica said. "That doesn't explain, well, any of this."

"Well, how confusing is it?" Taylor David asked. "We can go slow, so you'll understand, but it'll come at a price."

"What's the price?" Soos asked nervously.

"Underpants," the gnomes chorused.

"Well, I dunno..." Soos said.

"Wow, look at the size of these things!" a gnome proclaimed.

Everyone looked over at the gnome. Sure enough, he had removed Soos's underpants without anyone noticing.

"Aw, man!" Soos said. He checked his pants. "Aw, MAN!"

"This is an amazing bounty!" one of the gnomes proclaimed. "I predict two, no, three diapers will come from this pair alone!"

"Alright, fine," Pacifica said. "You have your underpants. Weirdos. Now tell us your plan."

"Wait, I think I've got it," Dipper said. "They steal underpants, turn them into diapers, and then sell them."

The gnomes looked at each other. Taylor David nodded. "Yeah, that's about right."

"Okay, why?" Pacifica asked.

The gnomes looked at each other, uncertain.

"Well, it's our business plan," one of them finally said.

"Why is _that_ your business plan?" Pacifica asked. "You steal underwear–"

"Underpants!" several gnomes corrected her.

"Whatever. You steal underpants to turn them into diapers why?" Pacifica asked.

"For profit!" one of the gnomes proclaimed.

"Profit!" the gnomes cheered.

"I'm sorry, we just don't really understand your plan," Mabel said.

"Well, it's very simple," Taylor David said. "See, we have this chart." A gnome held it up for him. "Phase one, collect underpants. Phase two, make them into adult diapers. Phase three, profit. It's very simple."

"Oh, I get it," Soos said.

Pacifica's face wrinkled as she attempted to parse the thought process. When she spoke again, she asked "I kind of get your business plan, but how did you even come up with it?"

"Oh, that was difficult!" Taylor David said. "See, at first we only had phase one and phase three, and we didn't know what phase two was going to be. Then we ran into this other guy, and he listened to our problem and proposed a solution that later became phase two! I'm actually going to get a call from him soon. We could ask him about it if you want."

"Uh, yeah, thanks," Pacifica said. "We'd love to hear all about it."

It was at that moment that the phone rang. The gnomes scurried over to the desk and answered, putting it on speakerphone.

"Hi guys!" the voice said. "How's the whole underpants business going?"

Mabel gasped. "Guys! It's him!"


	14. They Grow Corn There

**Taylor David Adult Diaper Factory  
Urtint, Arkansas**

"Oh, hey!" the voice on the other end of the line said. "What are you guys doing with the Underpants Gnomes?"

"Never mind that!" Dipper said angrily. "Where are our Grunkles?"

"Why, they're safe here with me!" the kidnapper said. "Do you wanna talk to them?"

"No!" his high-pitched assistant exclaimed. "We can't do that!"

"Why not?" the kidnapper asked. "Remember how we talked to–"

"Shush!" his assistant exclaimed. "Stick to the script!"

"Oh, uh, right," the kidnapper said. "So, T.D., how's it going with the diaper business?"

"Whoa, hold on, you guys know each other?" Taylor David asked.

"Oh yeah, we go way back," the kidnapper said. "To like, five days ago, when I kidnapped their Grunkles."

"What's a grunkle?" one of the gnomes asked. "Is it a talisman that guarantees profit?"

"Hold on, I'll ask," the kidnapper said.

The phone went silent for a few minutes. Eventually, the kidnapper returned to the line.

"So apparently it's a shortening of great uncle," the kidnapper said. "Sounds pretty cool to me. Anyway, guys, how's the diaper business going?"

"Wait, why'd you kidnap their grunkles?" another gnome asked. "That's not very nice."

"Yeah, but, I had a good reason. See–"

"No!" his assistant interrupted again. "We should just hang up!"

"But B–"

"Don't say my name!"

"But it's very important! They need me for their business meeting!"

"We're not leaving, you know," Pacifica interjected.

"Why are you even there!" the assistant complained. "You're not supposed to be there!"

"Hey, yeah!" the kidnapper said. "Where's my delicious bison burgers?"

"Bison burgers? Dude, what?" Soos asked. "I mean, I could totally go for some right now, but what are you talking about?"

"You didn't even get me bison burgers?" the kidnapper asked, affronted. "Not cool, dudes. Not cool."

"Not cool?" Mabel said angrily. "Not cool? Not cool is kidnapping our Grunkles, forcing us to search for them, getting us into fights with Communists, cramming us into a shipping crate, and then forcing us to protest old-person smell! And now you want us to bring you bison burgers? The only burger we're bringing you is a fist sandwich!"

"Despite the mixed metaphor, I'm with Mabel," Dipper said. "Give us back our Grunkles!"

"Whoa whoa whoa time out," the kidnapper said. "Communists? Old-person smell? Fist sandwiches? What's going on here? I don't understand!"

"We're doing exactly what you told us, that's what!" Mabel yelled.

"Whaaaaattt?" the kidnapper asked. "I never told you to do any of that stuff!"

"Uh, yeah, you did," Pacifica said.

"Yeah, we did what you told us to in Boise, but you didn't give us any other information, so we just uh, just followed the trail," Soos said.

"Back it up a moment," the kidnapper said. "What trail did you follow, exactly?"

"Well, first we went to Boise, like you said," Soos explained. "Then we tracked down that cult of Stalinists, who it turned out were being run by this bad guy we met before when he wanted to wipe everybody's memories but we wiped his to stop him. Just a little side note I thought you might find interesting. So we beat the Stalinists, but they got a call from another group in Utah, so Pacifica got the coordinates and we went over there! But then we got captured and knocked out and put in a shipping crate which sent us to this group of protesting college students in New Mexico. Then we drove all the way to Arkansas with the protesters, who were all up in arms over old-person smell. Heh, kinda ironic, since we're trying to find two old persons. Anyway, we ended up here, where we found out that these guys are all Underpants Gnomes."

"Wow," the kidnapper said. "Wow. WOW. That was not at all what I expected to happen."

"Wait, what? What did you expect?" Dipper asked.

"Well, you were supposed to go to Boise and see the cultists of spice who would give you a recipe for spicy french fries. Then you were supposed to go to Montana and get bison patties, followed by South Dakota's delicious fresh whole-wheat buns, and then to St. Louis for barbecue sauce! You weren't supposed to end up in Arkansas with underpants gnomes! This isn't right! This isn't right at all!"

"You know what else isn't right?" Pacifica snarked. "Kidnapping two old people and leading us on a wild goose chase. That really isn't right."

"You're right," the kidnapper said, ashamed. "I'm a horrible person."

"It was the only way," his assistant consoled him. "We had to do this, otherwise nothing would make sense."

"It doesn't make sense anyway!" the kidnapper exclaimed.

"When has that ever been a problem for us?"

"It's not a problem for us, it's a problem for them! Things have to follow a logical progression for them!"

"Um, we're still here?" Dipper said.

"Oh, right," the kidnapper said. "Well, uh, hold on."

Outside the factory, a horn blared loudly.

"Okay," the kidnapper said. "That bus'll take you where you need to go. It's right outside and it has everything you'll need: beds, food, a phone so you can call your loved ones if you need to, and a great driver. Okay, bye."

The kidnapper hung up. The rest of the group looked at each other.

"Wow, you guys had better get on that bus, huh?" Taylor David said.

"Uh, yeah, not happening," Pacifica said.

"Yeah!" Mabel cheered. "Not until we get some answers!"

"Well you'll be waiting a while," Taylor David said. "I don't think he's going to call back just to give you some answers."

"He has to call back sometime," Soos said. "And when he does, we'll be waiting."

"Uh, yeah, no," Taylor David said. He leapt into the desk chair and pushed a button on the underside of the desk.

"Um, what was that?" Dipper asked worriedly.

"Oh, I just called security," Taylor David said smugly.

"Yeah!" another gnome added. "You're gonna get it now!"

Suddenly, the phone rang. Soos grabbed it.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Please get on the bus?" the kidnapper on the other end asked.

"Uh, no, not gonna happen," Soos said.

"Pretty please?" the kidnapper asked. Taylor David tapped the speakerphone button.

"Seriously, this is pretty weird," Soos said.

"Pretty please with I promise you'll see your Grunkles on top?"

Mabel rushed out of the room before anyone else could say anything. The other three looked at each other and then decided to follow, all boarding the bus that waited outside.

"Alright, welcome aboard," the driver said once they were all on the bus. "Next stop: Eerie, Indiana."


	15. Clouds of Stone

**Somewhere in Tennessee**

The bus moved down the road in near-silence. The driver was separated from his passengers, sitting in his own cockpit, but the passengers were unable to get out, not that Dipper hadn't tried. He'd pulled at the windows a while back and tested the door, but it was no use; all the exits were tightly sealed. There wasn't even an emergency exit on the bus.

Dipper had spent the last hour intermittently sulking and trying to find an exit. However, at this point he had to admit it was a lost cause. So he squared his shoulders and went to do the one thing he'd been avoiding for the entire trip: talk to his sister.

Dipper strode towards the back of his bus, where his sister was sitting. He slid into the seat next to her. They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes.

"So..." Dipper finally said.

"So..." Mabel answered him.

Dipper stared at the back of the seat in front of him, trying to arrange his thoughts. After a few seconds more, he turned to his sister.

"Why'd you do it, Mabel?"

"Do what?"

"You know. Get on this bus."

"Our Grunkles need us to rescue them."

"But how do you know this bus will help?" Dipper asked, trying to keep his emotions in check. "How do you know we're not just walking into yet another trap?"

It was Mabel's turn to stare at the back of the seat in front of her. After a few seconds, she let out a deep breath and seemed to collapse. All her energy seemed to leave her, and suddenly she was no longer the Mabel Dipper knew. She was instead just a completely drained thirteen-year-old girl.

"I don't," she finally said. "It's just–" She looked a Dipper with tears in her eyes. "I don't know. We've been on this hunt for our Grunkles and it's going nowhere and this guy said he'd help–my gut says we should go with it." She dropped her head. "Or maybe I'm just tired."

Dipper put an arm around his sister and stared at the seat in front of him. Mabel continued to look at the floor. After a few minutes, Dipper gave her a squeeze, and Mabel smiled in spite of herself. Her body relaxed, and Dipper patted her on the back a couple of times before getting up and walking off. However, within minutes of him walking off, her doubts returned, stronger than ever.

* * *

 **Somewhere in Kentucky**

"Hey."

Mabel didn't acknowledge Pacifica's voice. Pacifica stared at her for a few more seconds, trying to judge whether or not Mabel was sleeping before deciding to sit down next to her.

"You gonna be okay?" she asked. Mabel didn't respond.

"You know, you haven't done anything wrong," she said. Mabel didn't respond.

Pacifica sighed. "Look. Mabel. I'm not good at this whole comforting thing. There's a lot of reasons why, but reason number one is that I don't understand this. I mean, I know that you miss your Grunkles and want them back, but this whole concept of family, that's something I don't understand. The idea that you'd want to see your family again. And I may know that you do, but I don't. I don't understand what that's like. And I see you, and I see how you miss your family, and even though I don't understand it I still hurt when I see you like that. So yeah, maybe your gut's wrong. But maybe it's right. But it doesn't matter, because, well, I trust you." Mabel looked up at her, surprised. "And you had to get on the bus, or else we'd be stuck in Arkansas."

"Why do you trust me?" Mabel asked softly.

Pacifica paused for a few seconds. "Why do you trust me?"

Mabel looked at her, confused. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I mean–" Pacifica stammered. "You've been, been acting nice to me, and actually _listening_ to me, and you think I have good ideas sometimes, and it's like, it's like you really care about me and think I'm useful even though I was so _mean_ to you last summer and–"

Mabel put a finger to Pacifica's lips. "I do care about you. You're my friend, silly!" She let out a deep breath. "Thanks for caring about me. And for trusting me." She looked away from Pacifica and then looked back. "You do trust me, right?"

Pacifica nodded.

"Well good, because I trust you."

Mabel reached out and took Pacifica's hand in her own. They held hands silently for a few minutes before Mabel turned to look at Pacifica only to see the blonde staring right back at her.

Before she could reconsider, Mabel shut her eyes, pursed her lips, and leaned towards Pacifica. The next thing she felt were a pair of soft lips coming down on her own. They held the kiss for a few seconds before breaking apart. Mabel opened her eyes.

Pacifica smiled at her. Mabel smiled back.

* * *

 **Bus Station  
Eerie, Indiana**

The bus pulled to a stop at the station. Seconds later, the driver pulled open the door to his cockpit.

"Alright, everybody out," he said hoarsely, beckoning them to leave. The door to the bus opened, and the group exited.

"So now what?" Dipper asked nobody in particular.

A man in a white jumpsuit with gold trim and an abundance of sequins swaggered up to them. He flashed a million-dollar smile and lowered his sunglasses to look them over.

"Are you the Pines?" he asked. A Southern accent tinged his voice.

"Who wants to know?" Dipper asked suspiciously.

"Just me," the man said. "I'm supposed to take you to uh, well, I hope you'll understand if I don't say."

"Our Grunkles' kidnapper?" Mabel offered.

The man shrugged. "That'll do just fine, little lady. Now can I give y'all a lift?"

"If you say so," Soos said.

"Thankyaverymuch," the man said. He gestured towards a pink Cadillac convertible. "That's my ride. Hop in."

Soos climbed into the passenger seat, and the kids climbed into the back. The man who had picked them up swaggered over to the driver's side, stepped into the car, and turned the key in the ignition. The V8 engine roared to life.

The man grinned. "Buckle up. It's going to be a fun ride."


	16. Forward Fall

**Eerie, Indiana**

The Cadillac purred through the streets of the small Indiana town. Inside the car, silence reigned. The driver took them past meticulously mown lawns, milk trucks, well-painted houses, milk trucks, and children playing.

"So..." Soos finally ventured. "This might sound crazy, but dude, I swear I've seen you somewhere before."

The driver shook his head. "That ain't likely. I ain't that memorable."

"No, no, I'm sure of it. It's on the tip of my tongue..." Soos said, tapping his chin. "I know! Did you ever visit the Mystery Shack?"

The driver grinned. "I don't think I've heard of such a place. How about you tell me about it?"

"Oh, dude, it's like the greatest place ever!" Soos exclaimed. "It's this shack, and it's filled with mysteries! Like Sascrotch, and the Polka-Dot Dogabbit! And there are all these interesting things, like the most distracting object in the world and snow globes and I run the place! I'm Mr. Mystery, dude! Well, you know, I'm Mr. Mystery now, but Stan used to run the Mystery Shack, before..." Soos trailed off and looked at the driver angrily. "You must've heard this from him!"

The driver shot a concerned look at Soos out the side of his sunglasses. "What're you talking about?"

"Oh no, you're not fooling me this time, dude!" Soos said. "You're taking us to see Stan and his brother. There's no way you don't know all about the Mystery Shack. Stan loves that place! He built it with his own two hands!"

"Now hold on a sec," the driver said. "I ain't taking you to see them, unless they're with...well, he asked me not to reveal his name, but let's just say I owe him a favor."

Dipper groaned. "Another middleman?"

The driver shrugged. "I guess I am, kid. But don't let it hit you too hard. Say, y'all wanna stop in at the World O' Stuff? Mr. Radford makes a pretty mean float."

"Just drive," Pacifica said flatly.

"Certainly, ma'am," the driver said.

The driver turned the car down more roads. Soos continued to examine him. After a while, Mabel spoke up.

"What's with all the milk trucks?"

The driver's grip on the steering wheel tightened. He sucked in a breath of air through his teeth.

"I guess people around here just drink a lot of milk," he finally said.

"And why's that milk truck following us?" Dipper asked.

The driver shivered slightly. At the next turn, he pulled a hard right and stomped down on the accelerator. The milk truck following them turned the corner and upon seeing them began to give chase.

"Better hang on," the driver shouted. "We're gonna be shaking!"

In the backseat, the kids clung to each other. Soos hung on to the door handle. A wide smile spread across the driver's face as he swung the car into a sharp left turn. As his passengers screamed, the car settled perfectly into the lane and ripped down the empty road.

Still smiling, the driver reached out and patted the dashboard. "Good job, Gladys."

Suddenly, a milk truck turned in front of them. Acting on instinct, the driver ripped the wheel to the left, settling into the oncoming lane and passing the milk trunk. No sooner had they passed than another milk truck turned into their path and the driver swerved into the correct lane.

A long line of milk trucks poured through the upcoming intersection in a straight line, cutting them off. The driver grimaced, downshifted, and pulled the car into a tight turn that sent them facing the other way. As soon as they were headed in the opposite direction, he punched the gas, and the Cadillac took off down the road. He yanked the wheel to the right, sending them down a small road, and then to the right again when they reached the next road. Several milk trucks poured out of adjoining streets to chase them, but the Cadillac had a larger engine and was able to increase its lead on them.

They ran through the town at top speed before exiting into the woods that bordered the city. After a couple of miles, the driver jammed on the brakes.

"We're here," he said. "Y'all are gonna wanna get out now and walk about a hundred feet thataway." He pointed to the right.

Cowed, the group got out of the car. Soos paused as he was getting out.

"Hey, wait a sec. You're a dead ringer for Chikara!" he said.

The driver's lips formed a small smile. "I don't know who that is."

As soon as Soos shut his door, the driver took off again. In the distance, a few milk trucks could be seen roaring down the road.

"Nice guy," Soos said appreciatively.

"No time for that, let's go!" Pacifica said.

The quartet scrambled into the woods. They made it about a hundred feet before coming upon a glowing portal.

"Whoa," Dipper breathed.

"Should we go in?" Soos asked.

Mabel didn't hesitate. She rushed through the portal.

"Mabel!" Pacifica and Dipper cried, chasing her.

Footsteps crashed through the underbrush. Soos shrugged and stepped through the portal.

Seconds later, the portal winked out of existence.

* * *

The story continues and concludes in "Open Your Eyes," posted under Cartoon X-Overs. Or you could visit my user page and work from there. Either way, the story in this fic as well as the ones in the other three Open Your Eyes fics come to a conclusion in "Open Your Eyes." And if you're wondering what happens in Eerie after this, I will be posting a one-shot based around that theme titled "Open Your Eyes: Eerie Epilogue" in December.

Thanks for reading!


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